not so daily ramblings

Episodes, tiramisu and small gatherings — September 18, 2020

Episodes, tiramisu and small gatherings

For the last few days, I’ve been feeling like crap.

It’s that episode that is “kinda” getting better but then it really is not and I’m happy that I’ll be able to talk to my therapist about it in three hours for our first actual session. I was tasked with finding a topic to talk about for each session but I have no idea where to start and I hope I get some help from her.

This feeling of garbage though is probably related to a lot of different factors. I’m currently not sleeping well at all, constantly waking up in the night. I’ve got migraines again (maybe sleep-related or stress-related… I don’t know). My rib’s still hurting and I feel like the pain is getting worse and worse whenever the painkillers wear off. I hate it. This may sound a bit whiney but I guess that’s what this blog is about, talk about stuff and vent about personal things that don’t belong on Indiecator.

Apart from that, I tried to distract myself a bit by making tiramisu and I actually messed up only three eggs. It’s a bit hard to split the eggs properly – or rather, I did fine but the third egg white had a little bit of egg yellow in it, resulting in it not becoming stiff, so I had to turn that into an omelette (technically not wasted?). The second go for the stiff white worked out just fine and I ended up feeling quite happy with how well the egg-yellow & mascarpone mixture turned out. I then had to mix in the stiff egg white into the mixture, slowly, by hand so that it doesn’t become fluid and that worked out well. Then I dunked some biscuits into cold coffee to make one barge of tiramisu with caffeine and rum… and one barge of caffeine-free and boring tiramisu but they honestly taste both quite good and actually look rather alright.

Tonight, I’ll be hosting a small gathering/party, I guess, to celebrate my birthday about half a year late. In March, it already was supposed to be a small gathering but due to the pandemic, I didn’t want to risk anyone catching it on their way to, at or after the party, which then would lead to them potentially risking old people. Hence, I called the whole thing off, and am now inviting people into my flat again. I still have to clean this place up a bit more and I’ll make some rice with apple-curry tonight. The guests this time around are essentially two friends and my girlfriend. It’s practically a double date, I guess, but uh… also not?

I’m honestly really looking forward to the evening tonight, although I’m also stressing out about it quite a bunch as I tend to get quite triggered by all the minor things. I’ll have to move some of my things here around in the flat, which is already triggering my OCD… and at the same time, I’ll also get triggered by everything that is not working out properly, including the cooking tonight. I really hope that it works out fine.

The thing that I worry the most about is that I’ll at some point say or do something stupid, especially with how I’m feeling right now. I doubt that something’s gonna happen but at the same time, I tend to overthink a lot of things and struggle a lot with these things lately.

I already asked my girlfriend three times whether or not she’s gonna stop by, because I just am all over the place and am completely forgetting about all kinds of things.

I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I’m sure I’ll get better. I’m sure I’ll be able to fix my sleep schedule after the exam that I have in a few hours. I’m sure it’ll work out.

But still, I worry a lot about all of that stuff and how it impacts me and how I impact others and how nothing seems to go as planned. Guess I just need to smile and move on.

Oh well.

pain killers and a depressive episode — September 15, 2020

pain killers and a depressive episode

Last week, I ended up having breathing problems, and my chest was hurting, so I called an ambulance. They could assure me that it’s nothing lethal and quickly left but later I ended up having to go to a doctor’s about it and get it checked out – just in case.

So, I went there, he told me to get an x-ray, so I went to a radiology clinic in the neighbouring city only to find out that my rib is either bruised OR fractured. Due to my/the liver being so huge, you cannot really see the ribs properly, so I got a prescription for some painkillers and was told to come back in two to four weeks if it still hurts. If it does indeed still hurt, I’ll potentially need morphine as it’s most likely a fractured rib, which is gonna hurt more than now due to the bones rubbing against each other. If it doesn’t hurt, I’ll be fine and it’s just a bruise.

But this leads to a problem for me: I don’t like taking painkillers and other drugs like that. I don’t know why, I mean usually there is nothing wrong with them or taking them, but especially with having to use stronger painkillers now, I’m a bit afraid that it’ll affect my kidneys or that I’ll eventually just get phantom pains so that I can use more of them. Shoutout to “House, M.D.”.

The reason why I need to take drugs right now is to essentially prevent myself from breathing in a shallow way. Due to me feeling pain while breathing in, my body automatically resorts to breathing less deep, which can cause lung infections. Especially with Covid going around, I don’t want to have a lung infection (also, if I happen to already have had corona and if I didn’t notice yet but now have sars… well, a lung infection could in theory then kill me).

So, now I’ve got to take three of these pain killers per day. My sleep has been better now for days since I don’t wake up in pain. I’m feeling good in that regard.

But I’m also in somewhat of a weird mood, getting listless and tired at all times, getting anxious about leaving my room (despite living alone at the moment), getting lonely but also not wanting to see anyone… As a remedy against that, I talked to my girlfriend over the phone despite her living two stories down, which was weird in a way. Her voice was really calming but I didn’t know what to say and I felt awkward for feeling the way I do and did. I think I’m having a depressive episode right now and I’ll have to talk to my therapist about it in the next session on Friday. I’m worried about some of this stuff since it affects my studies and my social relationships. I get anxious and fear a bunch of things. At the same, I’m feeling horrible for no apparent reason. I just hate these episodes when they come around.

And it’s alright to not always be 100% up to the task and to potentially have problems with your mental or to not be as productive or motivated as usual but at the same time, I hate not being able to do anything. I can’t watch a show or play games either. My books are boring to me. I don’t have the drive to finish some of those interview posts and reviews for my main blog and I don’t even know if writing about it is helping me right now.

Life sucks at times. Hope this passes soon.

Home Sweet Home? — September 7, 2020

Home Sweet Home?

It’s been a week since I got home and while I’m glad that I’m here, it’s also getting lonely. My flat only moved out on Saturday and while I’m looking forward to getting to know my new flatmate in October, I also am worried that we won’t get along. I have yet to call my family again since I haven’t talked to them at all but, again, I just needed to get away from all of that crap.

My ribs have been feeling better, though I – for whatever reason – didn’t want to go to the Doctor’s office? I’m somewhat scared of going there when there are so many people. Obviously, they take care of hygiene and all of that but regardless of that I could have the virus and give it to others – or I could still get it from others and end up endangering the people close to me. And while I am young, I don’t think that I do not have to worry. Sure, I’ll probably survive the initial sickness rather easily but the prospect of getting SARS later on and dying from a flue, especially in Winter, is still scary.

Apart from that, I’m doing fine, I think. I’ve been neglecting myself a little bit. My sleep schedule is really messed up and I haven’t slept in three days. I mean, I did sleep a bit here and there but I keep getting up during the night, which is really bothersome.

On Friday, I had my first ever therapy session. It went fine, I think. I was really anxious to go there. It’s a stranger that you have to talk to, after all – and on top of that stuff’s getting personal and you have to open up and all of that… and I also don’t want my money to go down the drain. I want to get help and fix things without spending too much as I cannot afford that for too long.

The session went fine overall. I can work with my therapist, I think. We’ve got five sessions coming up, for now, in two-week intervals… and I’m both excited and scared.

I need to open up about some emotional stuff and work on a lot of personal issues. I constantly am getting anxious about things or worry about stuff too much. I also tend to overthink a lot in certain situations while not taking a hint when friends actually have a problem with me. A lot of these problems come with being in the autistic spectrum but honestly, I don’t want to blame all of it on that and cause my friends and loved ones grief.

I want to be my best personal self.

Speaking of that, I need to shower and shave today. My girlfriend is finally coming back home and I’ve been letting myself go for a bit now, which is not good at all. I should take care of myself properly but sometimes I just fall into that motivational hole, which kind of swallows everything up. For instance, I’ve been less and less motivated to do something about my studies or clean up the room or essentially take care of myself as an adult should. But I’m already feeling like I’m getting out of that slump, so now I just gotta get out of the bed, write up this post (hello!), clean up the room, and stop procrastinating.

And overall, things seem to be looking good now. Therapy is gonna help me. I’ll take care of myself from now. My sleep schedule is gonna get fixed tonight. My girlfriend is finally back here (god, I’ve missed her so much) – and I’ll have a nice time streaming more Blacksad tonight after I picked up my better half from the main station.

So, that’s another entry in our (I guess weekly?) diary. Cheers!

Family time, eh? — August 29, 2020

Family time, eh?

I’ve been at “home” for a week now and while it, at first, was great to see my family members… I ended up getting anxious over time.

I’ve moved out two years ago but ended up getting accustomed to being alone in my own four walls. I feel like the best part about my flat is the silence and refuge that I get there. I can take a small moment to rest up again if something stresses me out – I can do so in my own room, alone while on my own. With anxieties, fears, OCD and so many other issues, I really need that at times.

Over here, everything’s different. I’m not on my own anymore but rather have to stay here with five other people. “My home”, I should say, as I don’t really feel like I’m at home anymore. I’m just a guest. If I want to help with chores, I get sent off – since I’m visiting. I get asked what kind of food I want, which I find somewhat unsettling. I don’t even ask myself what food I want. Like, I don’t really care usually.

I don’t like it here.

Of course, I need to visit my parents and siblings and stuff but at the same time, it gets bothersome after a few days. I don’t have my own room anymore. My siblings get aggressive and try to “start something”. Just the other day, my brother started an argument for no reason, suddenly acted up (he’s 17 btw) and started punching me.

I don’t know. My brothers are in that rebellious phase right now and end up getting agitated about anything and everything. You look at one of them funny and they start to throw a tantrum. I’m not living here after all. I should go. I’m just visiting after all.

I wouldn’t know what to do about that. He’s hitting me but as the older brother, I’m expected to endure it since every single move by me could result in him acting even worse. He’s delusional, thinking that he owns this house and that he’s owned something. My parents don’t really know what to do with him – at least the other brother is more calm these days. Honestly, if he keeps going like that, he may end up getting thrown out when he turns 18.

And that’s causing me anxiety. I can’t really get closer to anyone. And it feels like we’re drifting apart even more by the day.

My parents are at work. My brother is like that when they come back from school. My other brother is constantly gone with his friends. My sister is always with her friend or at her job and nobody knows. I don’t even know why I came home. Like, I didn’t come here to be left alone and I didn’t come here to get beaten my brother, ignored by my other siblings or . There’s construction work happening outside. It’s too loud for me to relax.

At the same time, I’m alienated. I’m a visitor and not someone who came back home. I feel like a parasite of sorts, leeching off others in “my own home”.

Maybe I’m overthinking this but I can’t deal with this situation, at all.

The worst thing is that we’ve got visitors over the weekend. While I would have left on Sunday, I’m now seem to be leaving on Monday. The plan I made got changed by other people, not by me. The little control I have – gone.

So, my father’s sister is here now until tomorrow and I don’t know how to deal with another six visitors. I can’t strike conversations with most of them. I can’t deal with kids at that age and I don’t like to talk about cars or soccer or whatever with their father. I can’t really deal with topics like that.

I can’t really deal with that guy. He’s working at some car place and it seems as if he’s expecting everyone to agree with him based on his opinion “as a male”.

Or rather, he’s one of the higher-ups at that car place and, as a male, he just assumes that other males know everything about soccer, cars and other stuff – and that everyone else is also interested in wanting to know more about those topics. I told him that I don’t care about that at all but he still ends up talking about it, which I find somewhat annoying. When he’s wrong about something, spreading false information about some topic, he acts as if my opinion or any of the facts that I list are irrelevant since I don’t have the “experience”.

I hate that.

Mostly, since I’m expected to listen to older people and just smile while “they share their wisdom”, even when they probably haven’t shared one ounce of wisdom in their life.

But luckily, I’ll only have to endure this until tomorrow. And the day after tomorrow, I’ll leave for my flat. I’ll finally be at home. Truly home. My own four walls – free of any visitors and family members. I don’t hate my family, I just can’t stand being there for too long. Like, I get nostalgic and happy when I see them for the first three or four days but I don’t really see the point of staying there for more than that. After all, this time around I ended up spending a majority of my time at home, alone.

Usually, it’s by day four that I get anxious. By day six, everyone acts as if I’m here for ever anyways. By day seven, my brother gets annoyed that I’m staying here so long. And when I want to leave, my parents already are planning for when I’ll come home again.

I can’t wait to get home, I say.

But I really can’t. I cannot wait to lock myself up over there. I cannot wait to get some stuff done. I cannot wait to get therapy next Friday. I cannot wait to get my shit together. I cannot wait to get away from this place.

Oh well.

Uh hey — August 27, 2020

Uh hey

I’m Magi and I usually blog over here at Indiecator but I wanted to separate the “professional” gaming blog posts and stuff from the more personal or depressing stuff. I mean, I still want to keep Indiecator as my personal blog and all of that… but I also don’t want to scare off people by sharing emotional or depressing stuff that nobody cares about. 

Uhm, I’m a 21-year old student from Germany who’s currently studying English Studies and Philosophy intending to become a teacher. I do play a lot of video games and enjoy my fair share of anime and stuff. I currently am in a relationship with a wonderful girlfriend. 

Things seem to get better right now but there are a lot of things that worry me from time to time. I have to work on a lot of personal crap from the way I express myself to the way that I handle situations. I constantly am overthinking things and I tend to not be able to show how much I care about people. 

And overall, I just thought it might be a good idea to write about my day-to-day stuff and vent/joke about things on here. My goal is to kind of talk about difficult situations and to open up a bit more while also displaying how I feel and think in that situation and how I try to overcome them.

Mostly, I’ll update my blog every day to maybe just every few days and I’ll write about things I care about and when there’s a topic that is “too personal” for my normal blog, I’ll just put it on here instead. 

Hope you enjoy that.

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