For the last few days, I’ve been feeling like crap.
It’s that episode that is “kinda” getting better but then it really is not and I’m happy that I’ll be able to talk to my therapist about it in three hours for our first actual session. I was tasked with finding a topic to talk about for each session but I have no idea where to start and I hope I get some help from her.
This feeling of garbage though is probably related to a lot of different factors. I’m currently not sleeping well at all, constantly waking up in the night. I’ve got migraines again (maybe sleep-related or stress-related… I don’t know). My rib’s still hurting and I feel like the pain is getting worse and worse whenever the painkillers wear off. I hate it. This may sound a bit whiney but I guess that’s what this blog is about, talk about stuff and vent about personal things that don’t belong on Indiecator.
Apart from that, I tried to distract myself a bit by making tiramisu and I actually messed up only three eggs. It’s a bit hard to split the eggs properly – or rather, I did fine but the third egg white had a little bit of egg yellow in it, resulting in it not becoming stiff, so I had to turn that into an omelette (technically not wasted?). The second go for the stiff white worked out just fine and I ended up feeling quite happy with how well the egg-yellow & mascarpone mixture turned out. I then had to mix in the stiff egg white into the mixture, slowly, by hand so that it doesn’t become fluid and that worked out well. Then I dunked some biscuits into cold coffee to make one barge of tiramisu with caffeine and rum… and one barge of caffeine-free and boring tiramisu but they honestly taste both quite good and actually look rather alright.
Tonight, I’ll be hosting a small gathering/party, I guess, to celebrate my birthday about half a year late. In March, it already was supposed to be a small gathering but due to the pandemic, I didn’t want to risk anyone catching it on their way to, at or after the party, which then would lead to them potentially risking old people. Hence, I called the whole thing off, and am now inviting people into my flat again. I still have to clean this place up a bit more and I’ll make some rice with apple-curry tonight. The guests this time around are essentially two friends and my girlfriend. It’s practically a double date, I guess, but uh… also not?
I’m honestly really looking forward to the evening tonight, although I’m also stressing out about it quite a bunch as I tend to get quite triggered by all the minor things. I’ll have to move some of my things here around in the flat, which is already triggering my OCD… and at the same time, I’ll also get triggered by everything that is not working out properly, including the cooking tonight. I really hope that it works out fine.
The thing that I worry the most about is that I’ll at some point say or do something stupid, especially with how I’m feeling right now. I doubt that something’s gonna happen but at the same time, I tend to overthink a lot of things and struggle a lot with these things lately.
I already asked my girlfriend three times whether or not she’s gonna stop by, because I just am all over the place and am completely forgetting about all kinds of things.
I’m sure it’ll turn out well. I’m sure I’ll get better. I’m sure I’ll be able to fix my sleep schedule after the exam that I have in a few hours. I’m sure it’ll work out.
But still, I worry a lot about all of that stuff and how it impacts me and how I impact others and how nothing seems to go as planned. Guess I just need to smile and move on.